So this is kinda of a weird blog post for me... then again maybe not.
Like I said in previous posts- I feel like that I am well very sensual and or sexual. There are days when I wake up in the morning and all day long I feel like the biggest sex magnet ever. I feel like I move in a sensual way sometimes. I know that sensuality isnt exactly tied with matters of sexual terms- just being in touch with my body.
Yeah, I will say i am a Christian and I have gotten closer to God. However- it is very hard to stay in a Christian mind-set. Well- I should say more on Jesus. And it is totally hard being a young Christian woman. Sometimes, honestly- I just want to relish in my womanly nature. I want to embrace my sexuality. The road to my "becoming a woman" journey is well emotionally and mentally exhausting.
When Im feeling sexy and all that- I feel bad at times.. When Im wearing my tank tops and pajama pants I notice my figure is flattered. I have round hips, well endowed in the "upstairs and downstairs" or what my mother calls " table in the back". I know what I was born with but when the physical urge comes on me- whether Im in the car, home, in bed.. or even worse.. IN CHURCH.
Quick story: The first time I noticed that my " desired hips full of fire" ( A potential lyric of a song I wanna write) was in church. In. The. Front. Row. While my uncle was preaching. I was like really hormones please stop- at the first sign of the sensation I was whincing on the inside. When I turned 20- my body began to change. Like 24/7...I wanted to scream.
Forgive me if I write about this so often- But I feel like sometimes I would if I could write a sensual song about my body wanting to be ravished but you know.. i dont think some overly deep religous people wouldnt appreciate my lyrics... like for example :
" Im dying for the first tender touch- Some call it lust
Aching for it so bad I could cry and scream out to God why
I wanna know what it feels like
Take me, rip it off- tell me bout that life"
Yes I made that up... Lol I know people would be like why would you write lyrics like mainstream? Well, sex is pretty much mainstream but I wanna make it once again that special moment that its meant to be. I sometimes feel like I radiate sex.. especially sex appeal.. looking in the mirror sometimes strictly at my face alone forget my body-- my face has attracted a lot of attention. My eyes I feel like are seductive, my lips call out " come here", my breasts are huge, my tummy is soft, my legs are curvy, I mean really... dang Lord are you trying to have me look like I could use some loving? Even my voice is well as my endearing, sweet, a little deep and sexy. ( According to my boyfriend) My singing voice is like whooooooaaaa.. I like it when im singing in my sensual deep voice.
I prayed so many times to God asking him to not have me feel like that or even ashamed of my body and sexuality. I sometimes mess up and end up crying- heck even when I dont i cry..
Im a crying sensual mess.